Saturday, November 28, 2009

The Gutter's Gutter

People in South Philly equate gutters with trash cans. Since moving here, littering has climbed to the top of my "crimes deserving castration" list.

Also high on the list are cars turning left before the light turns green to beat oncoming traffic and kids jumping out in front of my scooter to impress your friends. Really, derelicts! It's not funny anymore.

It's Saturday in South Philly and it's trash day. Actually, today really was trash day, though that didn't stop anyone from littering.

Well, Marty. I'm almost 18 years old. It's not like I've never parked before.

This car is actually parked. Must have confused the 10 inches from the curb rule with 10 feet. In the driver's defense, he may not know how to count.

It's driver's license renewal day and it's trash day.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

What a Turd!

This picture is of the small square of wood chips that surrounds the one sorry tree on our block. Some prick lets his/her dog roam without a leash and crap wherever the hell it wants. Just like the cigarrettes, these people leave their dogs' filth in their backyards until it piles up and attracts swarms of flies.

This one's of the smear my wife left after she stepped in a fresh pile and nearly fell down. I'd consider suing but the person's entire wealth probably consists of puffy Eagles jackets and 3 packs of Walmart brand wifebeaters.

It's a crappy day in South Philly and it's trash day.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Going up in Smoke

My backyard neighbor's patio table. Mind you this is the only furniture in their backyard. If you can't get them to keep their own houses clean, how can we expect them to keep the streets and sidewalks clean?

It's lung cancer awareness day in South Philly and it's trash day.

Black Market Real Estate

When we first began our South Philly housing search, we looked at a place near 12th and Wharton. The property seemed alright but overpriced for what it was. We tried to feel out the landlord to see if he'd go lower.

"You guys seem nice. I'd never rent to N***ers. You know, I told all the neighbors I'd keep the street white."

We ran out of the house. I can only hope he never managed to rent that house. It's a sad day in South Philly and it's trash day.

I left my heart - and fender - in South Philly

My wife's father has an amazing saying: There are two types of drivers. Slow fucks and dumb fucks. I can only assume the culprit here was the latter.

Nine days after purchasing a car, we came home to this. Some moron couldn't make his way down our street. Apparently it was a big blue van that went up on the curb to avoid the parked cars only to come back down cerimoniously by ripping off our front fender and bumper.

While the entire event was pretty sickening, the account of the incident provided by our typical South Philly neighbor almost made it worth the ordeal.

The neighbor approached us, claiming she was around when it happened (home during the day - couldn't be unemployed). She heard the crash from inside her house. Poking her head out in classic South Philly fashion, she saw a blue van head down the street and round the corner. "Did you get the license plate," I asked. Of course not. But she did identify the vehicle as "one of them gone-fishin' vans." I haven't a clue what the lady was talking about, and neither, quite honestly, did she. She offered us excellent insight into the driver's identity however. "Later on, I saw a Chinese man walking down the street. He seemed interested in the car." "Chinese?," I repeated. "Yeah, either Chinese or Puerto Rican." Thanks lady. Racist and useless.

It's Tuesday in South Philly and it's trash day.

Perfectly Timed

I'm scooting home from school late tonight when a blue Mercury Sable is stopped in the middle of the street. Double parking in South Philly? Go figure. Anyway, the lights are on so I wait to see if they notice me and start to move. After about 30 seconds, the passenger door starts to open and I hear a female voice say, "Well shit." You can do the voice out loud if you want.

A guy politely responds, "I told you to get yo' fat ass out the car 3 minutes ago!" The passenger door starts to open and out steps a fat chick holding a nearly empty bottle of Heineken. She's barely two feet out the door when the car speeds off, slamming shut the open door. She stands there, with a half pissed, half drunk face, but not at all surprised. She waves me on with her beer laden hand.

It's Monday in South Philly and it's trash day.

Monday, November 23, 2009

What am I looking at?

When I first moved to South Philadelphia in the fall of 2008, expectations were high. Whereas Center City was cramped, expensive, and apathetic, a few miles south, I was promised, existed an entirely different concept. Neighbors patrol the streets, poking their heads out of brick townhouses or guarding from stoops. Small, hole-in-the wall Italian delis, bakeries, and pizza shops abound. And, most of all, private homes offer some personal space, where the laundry room, living room, and bedroom, are not just clever names for your studio apartment.

Some myths were instantly shattered, while others stood up. Regardless, what I didn't expect was the South Philly factor, that special something that despite my years of education absolutely defies all reason. Where the hell did these people come from? What possible genetic mutation could begin to explain to the foreign, bizarre, and outright appalling conduct one regularly sees down here in South Philly.

Call it rude. Call it insensitive. But short of clubbing myself repetitively with a 40 in an attempt to integrate, this blog was my best and only method of coping with life in scenic South Philly.

So sit back, throw on your sweats, have a smoke, curse out your kid, and enjoy South Philly - Where Every Day is Trash Day!